


Your Heartbeat; My Lullaby

by Acai



Series: Matsuhanaiwaoi College AU [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: : ), College AU, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Foursome, Hurt/Comfort, I'm so sorry, M/M, Metaphors, Multi, OT4, Polyamory, Roommates, Sad Oikawa Tooru, Trust Issues, but I enjoy hurting him, hurt/comfort bingo, i love oikawa, implied child neglect, implied college au at least, metaphors galore, minor fluff, oikawa is a little bab and I love him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-15
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-07-15 05:03:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7208840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Acai/pseuds/Acai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And if he ever were to fall, the arms were ready to catch him.<br/>And if the shock of the fall was too much for him to stand back up like it didn’t happen, those arms were still strong enough to hold him up until he stood on his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Your Heartbeat; My Lullaby

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a little drabble, and I can't really decide if this is plotless or not. Either way, I crave comments, so please do tell me what you think of it when you get to the end.

May These Noises Startle You in Your Sleep

**_For day one of Hurt and Comfort bingo: prompt one: trust issues/ abandonment issues._ **

**_Alternatively titled The One In Which Oikawa’s Trust For His Team Really Is Impenetrable_ **

**_Please submit further prompts for Hurt and Comfort bingo to Mikozume on Tumblr! Thank you!_ **

**_trust_ **

**_noun_ **

**_1_ ** **_._ **

**_firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something_ **

**_Example: Iwaizumi Hajime wasn’t sure how long it would take for Oikawa Tooru to fully trust any one of them, or if he ever would._ **

                It didn’t matter how many times Iwaizumi kept a promise—Oikawa Tooru always managed to look surprised when he did. Even if it was just his eyebrow arching up _just a little,_ or his mouth turning into a little ‘o’, he always managed to act as if he didn’t truly expect for Iwaizumi to keep any promises he made. It made him wonder, just a little, if Oikawa would even bat an eye at a broken promise. If he didn’t expect them to be kept, did he expect them to be broken?

It was small things. Even if they weren’t really promises, just small things like _I’ll remember to get more milk bread for you when I go shopping tomorrow._ Oikawa would give a little hum, but his eyes would stay trained on something else, like he was scared that if they made eye contact he’d see that Iwaizumi really didn’t mean it. It made him wonder, just a little, if he’d looked into someone’s eyes before and been let down so badly that he’d never looked into someone else’s eyes again.

It made him careful to remember, and he was always sure to keep the promises that weren’t really promises, because Iwaizumi really didn’t want to know if Oikawa would bat an eye at a broken promise.

After knowing each other practically forever, Oikawa’s mouth still shifted into a little ‘o’ when Iwaizumi set a bag of milk bread down in front of him.

Iwaizumi had never asked what Oikawa thought of the word _promise,_ but he knew enough to know that it didn’t mean a thing to the other boy, because when he heard the word his smile would turn tense and his eyes would grow a little older.

Iwaizumi had never asked what Oikawa thought of the words _I love you,_ but he knew enough to know that the words didn’t mean a thing to the other boy, because when he heard those words he’d hum a little noise and would drag his eyes away.

And if anyone knew what to say about it, they’d probably say it. But there wasn’t a way to say you weren’t lying without sounding like you were lying.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“I love you,” Matsukawa breathes out of nowhere one night. His words linger in the darkness of the middle of the night, when they’re all still awake, for whatever reason. And when Hanamaki giggles and says it back, and when Iwaizumi rolls his eyes but says it back with fondness creeping into his voice, nobody questions the fourth voice that always stays silent throughout the exchange. So Matsukawa turns toward Oikawa and says it again, firmer this time.  “I love you.”

“I know,” Oikawa’s voice comes out as a whisper, and he’s such a different person here than he is on the court, where even if he doesn’t trust a single person, he makes it seem like his trust couldn’t falter.

“I mean it,” whatever emotion seeps into Matsukawa’s voice, it’s something that Iwaizumi can’t identify. “I look at you—all of you—and I think it’s the same feeling that I’d get if I found the most beautiful place on this whole Earth. People in books always say it’s like their heart is going out of control and it’s just like that—it’s like it’s going to pound right out of my chest and I’m so _lucky?_ I _love_ you, and I mean all of you, and that means you, too, Tooru.”

“I _know,_ ” Oikawa insists. “I never think you’re _lying_ when you say it, and that _terrifies_ me.”

If Iwaizumi ever knew what to say, it wasn’t now. But he speaks up anyway. “I think that it’s probably supposed to. If it doesn’t terrify you…then you’re doing something wrong.”

“Love isn’t supposed to be scary,” Oikawa’s voice is tinged with something akin to disgust. “It’s—I don’t know.”

“Terrifying, absurd, electrifying, brilliant?” Hanamaki supplies, from the other side of the bed.

“Yeah,” Oikawa agrees, even though his voice sounds a hundred miles away. “Yeah.”

Iwaizumi shifted, letting his foot tap against Oikawa’s leg when he stretched out. “What’s so terrifying about it? What makes you scared of saying those words?”

“What happens,” Oikawa begins softly. “What happens if I say it back, and what happens if  I believe it, and what happens when everything falls apart?”

“Who ever said it’s going to fall apart?”

“Who said it won’t?”

When nobody says anything, it feels like a million years goes by. And then, finally, Hanamaki chimes in again. “I say it won’t. But I think that’s why it’s supposed to be scary. If the thought of everything falling apart doesn’t scare you like hell, what does that say about the relationship?”

 

And when Iwaizumi sets down a bag of milk bread the next day, Oikawa doesn’t look surprised.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

                If Iwaizumi had to say what it was, he’d say trust issues. He’d say that Oikawa didn’t believe a thing that anyone said, because he’d never had a reason to, and he’d never had a promise that was kept. If anything,  it made him absolutely sure that every promise was just a lie with a little bow stuck to the top to make it pretty.

But if Iwaizumi had to say what he thought had changed about Oikawa since he’d agreed to date the three of them, he’d say that it was the fact that he’d look over at him, sometimes, and Oikawa would look him right in the eyes. And he’d say that sometimes when Iwaizumi kept little promises that weren’t really promises, Oikawa didn’t bat an eye.

And, more importantly, he’d say that Oikawa was so close to diving fully into the mess of love, he was practically teetering right on the metaphorical edge.

If his fear was the thing that was holding him back, then it was like a metal chain restricting him. Even if he wanted to dive right into the wreck, the chain would hold him back. Too afraid, too terrified of a lifetime of broken promises from people who didn't care about the damage to let himself say the words back.

And if Iwaizumi ever found the people who gave him a lifetime of broken promises, who spent a lifetime raising a kid that they were destroying... well, it probably wouldn't be a time where he'd make the best choices he'd ever made.

And knowing, better than nearly anyone else, that Oikawa didn’t trust a thing on Earth even the slightest, made it all the stranger to see him anywhere but home. It wasn’t that the smile was fake, and it wasn’t that he _wasn’t_ a nuisance, plodding around with his peace signs and sly comments, but it was that Iwaizumi knew that really, that was (to think about it deeply) just Oikawa disguised as himself, though a different version Oikawa.

It was like he forgot, if only for a little while, that he didn’t really believe that if he fell there would be someone to catch him. As if he believed, somehow, that there wasn’t three people waiting at the bottom with arms reached out and locked together to catch him when he _did_ fall.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Wouldn’t it have been easier to just leave?” Hanamaki muses, propped up on the counter. His voice is at ease, as if he hasn’t brought up what is potentially the touchiest subject in regards to Oikawa Tooru. 

Oikawa hums, understanding without hesitation what Hanamaki’s talking about, understanding that they've broken their silent agreement to Never Ask About Oikawa's Family, but going along with the façade that it’s not a terrifying subject. “I didn’t want to be alone.”

And when Iwaizumi scoffs from the fridge, where he’s rummaging through it for dinner, it’s to mask any fondness that went with his, “you weren’t ever alone, stupid.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And when he did fall, the arms were ready to catch him.

And when the shock of the fall was too much to stand back up like it didn’t happen, those arms were still strong enough to hold him up until he stood up on his own.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“It’s not that easy,” Oikawa insists, like he’s trying to explain something that they’re not willing to listen to. It’s dark, again, and they’re sitting in something like a rounded circle on their bed in the dark in the middle of the night. “Because I know that I want to stop thinking it’s all going to fall apart, but I can’t stop thinking that if I do it’s still going to fall apart. It’ll hurt more, then.”

And Iwaizumi wonders to himself if they love the same way that he does, as if the three of them are the air and without them he’s a goner. And he thinks, _don’t deny your lungs of their breathing rights,_ but doesn’t say anything.

Instead, he lets Matsukawa say, “do you really think we’d ever let you be alone?”

And when Oikawa’s eyes flick up to stare right into Matsukawa’s , it’s louder and more terrified than a ‘no’ would have ever been.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

If Oikawa Tooru was buried under the weight of his fear, then Iwaizumi never had a doubt in his mind that none of them would hesitate to dig him out.

If Oikawa Tooru forgot how to see light after being buried in darkness for a lifetime, then Iwaizumi never had a doubt in his mind that they’d come equipped with stars trapped in jars to show him.

~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~~

Nobody asks _why_ Oikawa’s buried in a heap of blankets on the couch, and nobody asks _why_ X-Files was playing on the TV, going ignored. He’d curled up tightly enough that, with Hanamaki sitting on top of Matsukawa's lap on one side and Iwaizumi on the other side, they all fit on the couch still.

Before anyone can even ask what’s going on in his head, the blanket pile lets out a muffled, “I love you too.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And for all the metaphors in the world, Iwaizumi never had a doubt in his mind that they all loved Oikawa Tooru, and, even if it terrified him, Oikawa Tooru loved them all back.

**Author's Note:**

> If you've got a prompt for what you'd like me to do next for hurt/comfort bingo (matsukawaiwaoi and bokuakakurotsuki only, for this one, please!) feel free to send it to any of the media below:  
> tumblr: mikozume  
> kik: mikozume  
> Fanfiction: mikozume  
> Or say it in a comment below. Thank you all~


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